Happy Thanksgiving!

Every Thanksgiving, the table is set with my best china and silver, upon my fanciest tablecloth.  Every thing is in place, ready for my family to arrive. The crystal stemware, my beautiful flower arrangement in the center, everything just as I like it.  

The song "Over the River and through the Woods to Grandmother's House We Go" keeps playing over and over and over again in my head like a broken record, but is so apropos.  Considering I live about an hours' drive away from them and I do live out in the country, there are a couple of rivers they cross to get here. Albeit, Interstate bridges, but still bridges.

My oldest daughter, her husband, and my two grandsons, Brandon and Caleb should be well on their way to my house soon  I'm still surprised and shocked when I see them nowadays because I still think of them as little boys instead of the tall, handsome men they are now.  I actually have to look up in order to talk to them and they laugh those deep, nearly unrecognizable laughs and tell me how much they now tower over their "Nana."

On the table is turkey and dressing, ham with my special glaze, home-made gravy, corn casserole, sweet potato casserole, cranberry sauce, hot rolls with real butter, and my specialty dessert, Deb's Famous Cherry Cream Cheese pies (the name of the recipe was tongue-in-cheek as only my family and close friends, as well as some former co-workers have ever tasted it, but I still have high hopes. lol)

Yes, everything is set, but there is always someone missing.  Actually two people.  My youngest daughter, Melissa, and my oldest grandson, Jacob.  Fifteen years gone, fifteen fleeting Thanksgivings.  I've missed all of her twenties, and now nearly all her thirties. Not to mention these fifteen long years without Jacob.  All those years and milestones in his life, all vanished. Truly gone with the wind.

Yet, even though she is older, I sometimes feel she still really needs me.  At a young age, she was  thrown into adulthood (purposely planned and foisted upon her by another) far sooner than most girls her age. Often, I want to tell her I simply told the truth.  That the only one who can now vindicate me, is Jacob, my oldest grandson.  But, he never will because he is terrified of him, too.

What I would give to place my arms around her and just hold her, to protect her like I did when she was a chubby-cheeked little girl.  As only a Mother's love and arms will do.  Because only a Mother can make you feel truly secure in this world.  For sure, there is no one else in this world that will ever love you as much as your Mother does.  The one who gave birth to you, the one who raised you, the one who would let no one hurt or harm you for eighteen years. Only wish I could have saved you from him.  Life would have been so different for us all.

After all these years, I am really not morose, just get a bit sad missing her/them especially around the holidays.   But, life goes on and I have had to move on and live the life that God has been gracious enough to give me.  He's also has given me the faith that one day Melissa, Jacob, and I will be reunited.

I've also realize that Time is not a true healer, but Time is a great salve.  

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to you, and especially to those who are present in my life and the ones who are missing.

Love you all!

Old Life

Not often, but every once in a while, I go there. Especially this time of year, close to the time she left. Probably not a good idea, but my SH (sweet hubby) understands the heartbreak, the heartache, and it's nice to have a shoulder to cry on, someone to just listen.

It seems to come out mostly at night. And, before I know it, I am weeping. No one can fix it, well, except God in His own time. But, time does truly hang heavy when you are missing two of your family members.

One I carried under my heart for nearly ten months, happily enduring her every hiccup and mule-like kick in utero, before finally giving life to her over her loud protests. The other, my first grandchild, totally captivated my heart and I still remember the laughter and giggles when as a toddler he delightedly rubbed red Jello into his hair and on any other person who happened by.

But sadly, no matter how perfectly we may plan it, life doesn't always turn out so perfectly. And, so she walked out of my life one day and took my grandson with her.

Eleven years is a long time to never see your child's or your grandchild's face or hear their voice.

I missed all her twenties, and I often wonder what she looks like now at age 33. Is she still my beautiful, blue-eyed beauty? Or, like me, has she aged due to the loss?

And, Jacob? Sad to think he could pass me on the street and I would never know him or he know me. Yet, even when he was so very little he loved me. He knew I would try and protect him. I only hope he forgives me because I wasn't able to.

No matter what, Life just shouldn't be this way.

It's far too short even if one lives to be 100.

I love you, Melissa and Jacob.

I always will.

LOST GIFT OF TIME - HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA

For those of you who know me personally, you know what a tragedy happened to me over ten years ago. Due to undescribable circumstance, I lost my youngest daughter, Melissa, and my oldest grandson, Jacob, not to death but to TRUTH. There isn't a day that goes by I don't mourn them, yet I've finally learned to smile again, am actually able to look at pictures without the stabbing pain in my heart. Her birthday is March 9th, the same as my Mother's. This original poem, written by me, is dedicated to her. Happy Belated Birthday, Baby!

Gift of Time

I've grown old and weary

in your defeaning absence

waiting for your presence.

And,I am disappointed.

At every turn, and every bend

I hear your voice, see your face

Full of beauty, full of grace.

And, I am reminded.

Often I tremble, my hands shake

Recalling fond memories of you

but always old ones, never new

And, I weep.

My heart is heavy, my eyes tear

when I realize dearest daughter

how much I miss your laughter,

And, our lost gift of time.